Refocus

Cape Disappointment Oil 11 x 14

"If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price."

I reread my first blog entry, to remind myself of its purpose: to rebuild my life. In reading where I was on that day just over a month ago, I am surprised to note improvement already. However today my goals have shifted a bit, since I have a hip replacement staring at me in the face.

While taking care of my responsibilities and creating are still worthy goals, I need to prepare myself for this new opportunity-- mentally and spiritually; if I can shift direction in those areas, then everything else will fall into place. So some refocusing is in order. I will start with the following passage from The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron:

"Remembering that God is my source, we are in the spiritual position of having an unlimited bank account. Most of us never consider how powerful the creator really is. Instead we draw very limited amounts of the power available to us. We decide how powerful God is for us. We unconsciously set a limit on how much God can give us or help us. We are stingy with ourselves. And if we receive a gift beyond our imagining, we often send it back." 'Nuff said.

A Merry Heart

Summer Evening Oil 12 x 16

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine." Proverbs

Peace comes with acceptance and I am certainly in a better mood tonight. I hung with friends tonight with a good deal of laughter. Beats the hell out of crying, that's for sure. And I need all that kind of medicine I can get.

No whining allowed

Today I have a better outlook. My problem was that I had trouble accepting the doctor's diagnosis and was kicking against the restraints. I don't apologize for it because it is part of the process of moving from point A to point B. So I decided that if surgery might vastly improve my life than I need to explore that option thoroughly before rejecting it out right. I do not want to live this way--not when there may be a way out. I am awaiting on a call from the doctor to schedule an appointment to discuss this. So meanwhile, I am going to relax, work on the portfolio and make plans for the evening.

I will Praise You in This Storm...

I almost didn't post tonight. To be honest I am having a little trouble dealing with the pain. I don't know how a limp of a few weeks ago degenerated into having to walk with a cane--with a hip replacement looming in my future; how the hell did that happen? But I didn't want to write if I wasn't positive and upbeat-- look at what I wrote last night and in previous posts about positive thinking, however, I remember what I wrote at the start of this blog, that it would be real. So tonight I am real. Tomorrow is another day and I will probably have another outlook, but now I am hurt and scared.

However I can't ignore one of the basic tenets of my faith--that God is in charge. I may kick and scream against it, but He is sovereign and not only that, He insists that we give thanks in all circumstances. So I am playing over and over the song by Casting Crowns, I'll Praise You in this Storm. It always calms me. Some of the words and the video link are below:

"I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you." As Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.
I remember when I stumbled in the wind, You heard my cry to You and raised me up again; my strength is almost gone-- how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away." Mark Hall http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

Recovering a Sense of Possibility

Victorian

"One of the chief barriers to accepting God's generosity is our limited notion of what we are in fact able accomplish. We may tune in to the voice of the creator within, hear a message--and then discount it as crazy or impossible. On the one hand, we take ourselves very seriously and don't want to look like idiots pursuing some patently grandiose scheme. On the other hand, we don't take ourselves--or God--seriously enough and so we define as grandiose many schemes that with God's help, may fall well within our grasp." Julia Cameron The Artist's way

It all begins and ends with what goes on in my mind. I inherited a legacy of negativity from my family of origin and found elements of it in my marriage. It has always deeply affected how I thought, decided and processed things; it has affected my outlook, prevented me from taking risks and colored my life with considerable blackness. I have to choose--deliberately, consciously choose-- how I am going to live: Positively or negatively, which is it going to be? They both can't live in the same moment. I am getting better at this, but at some point during the day, the reality of some things in my life may overwhelm me to the point of tears. However, that is only temporary and I can at any point start my day over and choose the "sense of possibility" where light, laughter and health dwell.

CWCW: I was so blessed today. A friend came over and cleaned and mopped the kitchen and vacuumed the living room; she did thorough job. I spent the evening hanging out with my room mate while she quilted and I ironed, doing up half a basket of linens and blouses that have been there awhile. Part of setting things in order in my new life. The companionship of both friends is priceless.

Opportunities

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. ~Harry Truman

Whether I am a pessimist or an optimist is up to me, which means I have to make a choice. If I go with the negative forces then they will take me where they will; they will not take me into the light--the darkness hates the light and avoids it at all costs; I become my problems. If I choose positive thinking and affirmitive words, than I can move into the light and they can keep me from the darkness which dogs me at every step. Then when you look at me, you don't see the problems, you see Maxie.

Jesus, please...

CWCW: Today I photographed all the rest of the art-- I found paintings I forgot about because I never got around to taking a picture of them; it was almost like Christmas. I dropped two rolls of film off for processing, went to the doctor, bought groceries, typed a project for the church, cooked a huge pot of soup and took and 4 hour nap. Enough for one day.

Discoveries

Today I scanned the rest of the drawings and watercolors into the computer, and as always as I look through my collection of art by Maxie (or M Simmons or Dutch, depending on the era I created in) I am awed of my ability even in my early attempts at art, which is a gift from God of course.

I found the very first drawings I did as a young mother, done on cardboard I found in a package of hosiery--I never could resist a clean white surface. Being poor I did not have art supplies, and some of my coolest drawings were done on lined notebook paper, like the baby above. I also had absolutely no training, until I went to college at age 36. I just drew what struck my fancy such as Chief Joseph, center, which I drew in my late 20's. I didn't start painting until a neighbor bought me my first set of oil paints and I taught myself to paint from library books.

Today I discovered that I once drew free hand in pen and ink where there is no erasing--how brave I was, and the celebrities I drew are recognizable such as John McEnroe and Pope John Paul II.  I discovered that I was much better at drawing horses than cats. :o)

One precious thing I found is a picture accompanied with a poem written for it by my late sister-in-law; we were collaborating on making greeting cards, shortly before we lost her. I am going to send the picture and poem to her daughter.

I am in awe of God's gifts in my life and I am getting excited about putting this portfolio together.

CWCW: Today a friend was coming over to help me clean the living room, and this inspired me to polish and dust the furniture, make my bed, empty the dishwasher and put away the laundry. We didn't get the LR cleaned because we had such a wonderful time talking and looking at my art, but it was a wonderful afternoon just the same. I think enlightenment is right around the corner.

"I Will Dare to be Myself...

...I have the right to want what I want and to feel the way I feel. I may not choose to act on those feelings or desires, but I won't hide them from myself. They are part of me. 'This above all: to thine own self be true.' William Shakespeare" " I carried the notion into my adulthood that I must be perfect and that I was responsible for everyone. Of course I never achieved this goal of perfection, which left me feeling less than, not smart enough, not attractive enough, simply not good enough."

I found the above statements in my Al-Anon daily readers. I spent much of my life feeling less than, ugly and stupid. I also shoved down things I thought I wanted for myself thinking that they, too, were less than, ugly and stupid. I am certainly glad that God didn't let me have everything I thought I wanted, but on the other hand there was some good desires and wonderful things that I didn't reach for because I was afraid to take the risk. I have kept so many desires stowed away in the murky recesses of my personality because of that fear, and then I grieve over the loss of something that never saw the light of day.

How am I daring to be myself? By being brutally honest with myself and with God about what I desire and think and do. I know it is silly to act as if I am hiding something from God, because he He knows anyway, but by not discussing it with Him I am actually keeping these things buried. By writing this blog. This forum is perfect for me. Not only do I write it but I put it where anybody can read; that is truly rendering myself vulnerable in a huge way. So stay tuned on this topic; I suspect that getting to know myself is gonna be one of my favorite topics....

CWCW: I don't chop wood carry water on Sundays, but I spent hours working on my portfolio which doesn't seem like work to me; it seems like the enlightenment part of that Zen philosophy. It is another way I dare to be myself. I have almost all my drawings scanned into the computer for printing. I am amazed at the volume of work I have done. I used to do a complete drawing of a subject before starting the painting of it, so I have as many of each.

Pain

"Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional."

Everything hurts and I have been given to despair a little today. I think gimping around because of the hip, puts a lot of strain on the whole body. I confess that I am not acquainted with chronic pain and the idea of it continuing freaks me out. But I only have to do it today. I do better when I focus on something good and repeat positive affirmations and Scriptures out loud.

On the hand, I think I am making progress in letting go and letting God in another area of my life. Acceptance can be an incredible relief. I think if I can get rid of the pain, I might feel almost normal.

CW&CW: Not much of that today, but I tidied the kitchen, did some laundry and cleaned all the cobwebs off the ceiling of the living room. I did talk to some friends on the phone, and go to a meeting and got some good hugs.

Tears

The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley

I will not apologize for crying. I grew up under the threat, "Knock off the crying or I'll give you something to cry about," so I didn't. Crying in front of my peers got me teased and in front of my husband brought on belittlement. I learned not to cry and stuffed all the pain and anger; I went about with my mask that said I was fine and don't hurt, which means I was always lying to myself and others. My sister died in 2001; the night before the memorial service, my other sister and I watched Steel Magnolias so we could have a good cry. How sad is that?

The summer of 2008 was the worst one of my life; there were some serious family issues and I was deeply depressed. One good thing that came out of it, though, is that I learned how to cry and I can do it at the drop of the hat; I can be moved by the news, movies, music or someone else crying. I can cry in meetings, in church, alone, on the phone or driving down the road; I have even cried in Walmart. I am not talking about self pity, because I am upbeat most of the time, but I am talking about experiencing the feelings that come upon me without analyzing them or excusing them.

Another good thing is that when I am crying, I am talking to God on a level I can't quite get to when I am in a good mood, and God hears me. Psalm 56:8 says: "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." If tears are that important to God, why should I be ashamed of them?

No, I will not apologize for crying.

Acceptance...

...is the Key. I really need the key too. I am trying to accept where I am right at the moment-- that my heart aches and I can't define it. Self-acceptance has really been a struggle for me, but I have great hope that I will figure it out. I cannot live without hope, so I thank God I have some.

No CWCW today because I was too busy. Three medical appointments--mammogram (It was just smashing! :o) the eye doctor, and my primary MD who gave me a shot in the hip joint. God, let it take away the pain. I worked 2 hours at the museum, had lunch with friends, bought groceries and went to the pharmacy. Then tonight I went to a meeting. I am pleased that the day went smoothly and that I had good attitude. I even got a late BD present: a family of armadillos!! Well, five small ones carved out of stone from a friend who knows how much I love Texas. They will live in my cactus dish garden. I love good days.

Be careful of what you think...

Summer Gate Acrylic 24 x 24

...because your thoughts rule you life. Romans

I have become convinced that I have to redirect my thoughts which stray to scary places. Last night I was looking at my portfolio which is just poor photographs of my art in cheap albums. The presentation is kinda of sloppy, and not all the paintings are included, since I haven't updated it in a long time. So to get out of my head, I started printing pictures from the computer and searching for them on disks, to compile a new portfolio. I still have some art I have never gotten around to photographing, which is the next project, then I am going to find a nice album to put them in.

The photos in "my pictures" on the PC were a mess; I like to keep them in folders where they are easy to find, but those rascally pictures got out somehow and were all mixed up--art and family photos, making searches difficult. But after an evening of hard work they are neatly stored in folders.

This is a good thing: I will have a portfolio to show and look at; I am a little more inspired to create again; I can see what a large body of work I have done in my life--I have done some really cool art, and it changed my thoughts for a day.

Chop Wood Carry Water

There is a Zen saying, "Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water."

Well, except for a little kindling, I don't actually chop wood-- Mary Rose does it. And I don't have to carry water, except in a little bottle to drink. But I get the Zen thing. While I wait for enlightenment and direction, take care of business.

"Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success." Swami Sivananda

So I am getting better about the "small acts" of taking care of business.

Today's CWCW: I tidied up the bedroom, did some detail cleaning in the kitchen, watered dying African Violets, cleaned out all the files and cleared the desk. OK, enlightenment- I'm ready.... I think....

It is all good.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

I am brave... Tonight I walked into a meeting 45 minutes late; calling attention to myself like that is not my favorite thing to do. I promised to meet a friend there, but fell asleep; though I woke up in plenty of time, memory of the promise slipped away with the dreams. When I realized my mistake I about freaked out!! I don't forget things or people usually and it was really weird to find myself in that position. So I threw on some clothes and left without make-up or socks, and went to the meeting anyway. I knew I had to at least be there to apologize to my friend. It was all good.

I am still moving slowly, but it is pain that is slowing me down not inertia. I am coming out of the fog I think; the thing is that the fog masked uncomfortable feelings; it is easier to stay in a funk and stare off into space than to take action. It is all good.

Today I spent quite a bit of time with the Father which helped my attitude a whole lot. I set some things in order, and made moose stew, rich with veggies. It will feed me for a few days. That is definitely all good.

I will try again tomorrow.

The God Box

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley

Today I opened my God box, which I have had for about 5 years. I needed to put a very big item in and had to take the lid off. I decided to look at what I had written and as I read I separated scraps of paper in piles of "answered," "unanswered," and "in process." Two out of three of the prayer requests went into the answered pile!! How amazing is that? Only a few of them would fit in the category of totally unanswered, the others are ongoing issues.

What I read today was very revealing to me. While some entries related to tragic events or big problems, the rest showed how I engage in fear, often over inconsequential things. Today, I wonder, "why was I worried about that?"

However the God box has been an effective tool for me to let go, because I had forgotten about many of the requests. I also found I have put a lot of people in the God box. I even found a slip of paper written by my granddaughter, "I love you God and Mary."

So I wrote out all my issues and anxieties of the moment on a sheet of paper, and shredded it--so that it is just between me and God, and opened the lid to put it in the box. I also put myself in there... well, I wrote my name on a peace of paper--in clear handwriting so God will understand who I mean. I am looking forward to the answers. I love you God and Mary.

Doldrums to Dancing

I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Very little chopping wood and carrying water --I just washed some clothes and loaded the dishwasher. I was blue the early part of the day, with a minor melt down. I could be a crash from all the sugar I ate yesterday in birthday cake-- sugar is my enemy that way, or it could be because I miss someone. Lack of sleep didn't help any--sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to sleep normally on a regular basis again. But a nap helped to set things right.

Then I went to socialize in the Fellowship, getting a ride with a friend. That was fun with great food and a speaker, but afterwards a group of us went dancing at the Eagle's. That was sooo much fun!! I only danced once since my hip is still out of whack, but I enjoyed the band and the company. I got to know my friends a little better. A few times I felt sad, because I didn't have a sweetheart to dance with but gave myself a good talking to about staying in the moment. I love my friends sooo much.

Being able to move freely to dance is one of my new goals....

B Day

No chopping wood and carrying water today... I played. A group of 7 of us friends went to eat Mexican food, where the staff made me wear a sombrero and sang Happy Birthday in Spanish and English. Then we went to one of the lady's house for gifts and birthday cake. We had a wonderful time and I received lovely inspiring gifts.

Later I went to a meeting where I got more birthday wishes and cake. This is the first time I ever got two birthday cake.

I was sang to 7 times, over the phone or in person. Plus well wishes via email and Face Book. I am blessed. I will not be blue today. I will not.

I love birthdays, especially mine.

Twas the Night Before my Birthday

Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again. ~Menachem Mendel Schneerson

Oh, wow!! I love that quote. I am not bashful about telling people it is going to be my birthday. I used to remain quiet hoping people would remember and than pout when they forgot. Then I had a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious) -- I forget people's birthdays too and people are not mind-readers. So if I want folks to remember I tell them. But it is special when someone remembers without being told.

I love my birthday, even though I am older, and some people don't want to think about getting older. I don't care about that; I just like having a day just for me. So I announce it. I am rewarded with blessings for doing so. Tonight I was told by someone that she was grateful I was on the planet and she invited me to lunch tomorrow--Mexican Food, Yea! Another person offered to make me a cake. It is going to be a great birthday. And I like the thought that God is still investing energy in me.

I spent a lot of time with friends today, which always does a lot to lift my spirits. I am braver about asking for help--I asked for a ride home from a guy when my car broke down.

Chopping wood and carrying water: I worked at the museum today (I do data entry into the computer in the research center of the Historical Society.) I had inherited a big mess, but today I organized it. All my paperwork has been kept in a box under a table; not only inconvenient but a tad unprofessional. Today I asked if I could have a little corner of the desk to put the notebooks and folders and fixed up a nice little place for everything.

So I will go to sleep thinking about God's energy and ask Him to show me how He is working in my life today, because I can only see it dimly...........

:o(

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another. ~James Matthew Barrie

Gosh, if that quote isn't true. I was talking with a friend and I realized that due to the stressful events of the last couple of years, I have lost my confidence and motivation. I had come up to a place where I needed to change my focus in my art, (How many irises can a person paint anyway?) and stopped because the prospect was just too daunting; I have just stopped everything, even the painting irises. Would it not have been better to just continue painting flowers than to stop altogether? At least I would have still had momentum. Just thinking about it knots up my stomach.

I also let a couple of dreams to slide by. One is that I wanted to become stronger and healthier physically. I just let that slide sometimes and it is a something that needs to be tackled on a daily basis--relentlessly. Guess what? Once you stop pedaling up hill, you start rolling backwards... or just fall over.

Philippians 4 tells us to give thanks in all circumstances. I guess I am too circumstance driven; and not only do I not want to give thanks, I tend to whine.

So I a little blue tonight. Hmmmm... Maybe I need to reread yesterday's post.

Attitude

Today was another low motivation day. I didn't sleep well and I kept dozing during devotions so I gave up and went back to bed, getting a late start puts me in the dumps; I don't like feeling like I am behind. That is only an illusion, though, as I am in charge of what I do and how I do it and I only have to answer to myself and the Higher Power. There are no rules except the ones in my head.

I did finally get to moving late in the afternoon and made up my mind I was gonna get Christmas put away and I took down the tree and packed up all the ornaments. And I printed out reference photos to draw. But that is all that I got done.

I realize I still struggle with self-acceptance. I don't like myself very much on days like today and it is probably an attitude problem. I am including something I read in the church bulletin by Charles Swindoll:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

"Attitude...is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% of how I react to it...we are in charge of our attitudes."

Be brave...

Be brave enough to live creatively. ~Alan Alda.

I was not brave today. It was a paralyzed sort of day where I sat and thought; I have been told to never go into your mind alone--it is a dangerous neighborhood; that is certainly true about my mind. However all is not lost. I washed a load of clothes, watered the plants, and made some phone calls--a doctor's appointment, and a call the clear up the conflict at the museum; the director told me she would make sure no one was using the computer on Thursdays. Tonight I went to an open Narcotics Anonymous meeting with a friend and heard a lot about faith. I also got some advice on tattoos.

The things I didn't get done on today's list will be there tomorrow. I don't foresee spiders cleaning up their cobwebs and invisible little people putting away the Christmas tree. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow is another day...

The Golden Key

"Too much self-focus fosters our feelings of loneliness, and then with desperation we look to others to fill us up. The paradox is that we heal ourselves while offering our attention to another who is, by design, on our path". Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

A friend shared the above quote with me via email, and it was interesting that Pastor's message this morning was on focus. Focus on God. I think perhaps I have been a tad too focused on Maxie and her woes.

This reminds me of Emmet Fox's Golden Key: "...you must stop thinking of the trouble, whatever it is. The rule is, to think about God. If you are thinking about your difficulty, you are not thinking about God. To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because it is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God and nothing else. Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty out of your consciousness, for a few moments at least, substituting for it the thought of God."

I am glad I still teachable.

Hey I have a birthday coming up!! You wanna guess how old I will be? Do you dare?

Not a bad Day

The hip hurts less and I was kind to it -- no strenuous work or exercise. I did do some detail cleaning in the kitchen and mopped the floor and continued working on putting away the Christmas tree.

Surprise, surprise!! While cleaning, I found $50 in a teapot. How it got there I have no idea. No comments about old-timers disease because I have a very good memory-- not perfect, but better than when I was younger, and I definitely don't forget money! I don't keep money in teapots. In my purse or the bank, maybe, but teapots are for tea, or hiding narcotics. (Those occasionally prescribed to me of course! :o) And I am on such a tight budget I can't imagine not missing $50. So I prefer to believe God left it for me. After all, a couple of months ago, I got $100 in the mail with a note that said, "My child, I love you. God." So maybe He left it in the teapot anonymously.

I finished the day off with love and hugs in the Fellowship. Then a frank talk with my roommate about something hurtful that had happened to me a long time ago. Something I rarely talk about. Not a bad day at all.

Inertia

Today I didn't accomplish a lot. Inertia seems to still have a grip on me. I did show up for my volunteer job at the museum and found a new volunteer working at the computer where I normally work. She did not relinquish it, when I told her that I worked there on Thursdays. I can see that I need to call the director, who was not there, and explain things. I told her when I took the job, since she said I could work any day I wanted, I would work on Thursdays. She said it was fine. Apparently she forgot. I need to gently remind her. Stand up for myself. Butting heads with the other volunteer would not be cool, though, and I am glad I acted like a lady.

But I hung out with friends at lunch and went to a meeting where I received and gave feedback. Laughter fun and hugs are always good. And it was good to have a visit from my son.

There are still a couple of things I need to let go. Why do I hang on so tight when what God has in mind for me is always best?

Whacked out

God is good to me even when I am completely whacked out of my mind. Today in Bible study when I was discussing the pain in my hip that is depressing me (I don't want to be a crippled old lady!), one of those beautiful ladies dropped to the floor and demonstrated an exercise that might help. Another told me that extra weight puts added strain on the bones and joints and she said we could pray for each other in that regard. She also told me about the local dance club where she is learning ballroom dancing; oh I would like to do that if I could work up the nerve. When I got home there was an encouraging note in the mail from another friend. Tonight I had a lovely dinner and frank talk with my daughter in law, who's my part time room mate, about some issues in my life and in my late marriage that caused me a great deal of pain. God puts people there when I need them.

Sooo... I got the laundry caught up, the bed made and the dish washer loaded, even though I was still working at it at 9 pm.

Continues

There is still a residule of yesterday's feeling like a bad taste in my mouth. I know this too shall pass.

But today I cleaned and dusted the studio; the Dish man is coming tomorrow with a satillite up-grade and God forbid that he should find some dust. I also cleared off the drawing table. Yea! Now if I can convince that hairy cat not to sleep there. I took care of treasurer business for a group I belong to--I have been neglecting balancing the books for awhile. I worked up my personal budget and started paying bills. I bought groceries and worked on the laundry.

Soooo... tomorrow is another day. A friend gave me a list of 101 different ways to pray. #36 says to ask God for a spirit of hilarity. God I need some hilarity.

Hope

I don't want to leave anybody thinking I am fixin to throw myself off a cliff. Two things I read this morning: "No situation is ever hopeless. Situations don't lose hope, people do." Hope for Today And "Believe that He is there between you and your difficulty and what baffles you will flee before Him as clouds before a gale." F. B. Meyer

More later....

My worst enemy....

....is me of course. Old demons from the past come to haunt me and one of them is self-loathing. Don't tell me not to feel that way because this is not a rational thing that you can will away. A fella told me not long ago that his philosophy in life is to"be who you are," and ever since, I have really been working on that--honest; I wish I had gotten his phone number, though, so I could call and ask him how the hell to do that. But I reckon the way I am feeling at the moment is who I are. So I think I will just be and trust that God will help me to shift it by tomorrow.

Goin With the Flow

A friend suggested that while some things are very good, without balance even those become unacceptable. This is true "for going with the flow," a positive thing to do in letting go of my expectations and accepting "life on life's terms." But ya gotta watch it!! The flow can take you over rapids and steep falls!! There are times we need to do some flat out paddling. It is time for me to paddle. Cyber friends, pray for me.

Wasted?

Today I could not get motivated. I will allow myself --a little bit-- being lazy, because I had so much fun and some sugar (which always makes me tired) the last couple of days, but Super Maxie tells me that I "should" have gotten some things done.

So I sat and thought. I read somewhere, that it is the mind's job to think and not to be too hard on it for doing so, but Super Maxie says, that I think way too much. I does tend to paralyze me.

I was thinkin about One Day at a Time. I once thought I knew a lot about that, but it occurred to me that a person can waste their life one day at a time. You gotta have a plan to go with that, or you are drifting one day at a time. Al-Anon's "Just for Today," says I can do anything for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a life time. But I read something that said that if we accept the unacceptable thing day after day we are indeed keeping it up for a life time.

I have been living one day at a time the last 8 years but I realize now I have been just doing it in survivor mode. Circumstances with my marriage were not ideal, but after trying without success to change them, I said, "Oh well that is the way it is, and there by day after day one day at a time I lived with the stress. Now, I don't know if there was anything I could have done about that, but since I gave up, I reckon I will never know.

So the purpose of this post is: I want to live one day at a time, but I need to set goals and develop a plan for living.

So this is where my thinking got me today. Hopefully tomorrow I will think less and pray more. And maybe next week I will get something else done.

God is Good

The last day of 2009 was warm and spiritual but also a tad vulnerable with deep sharing with friends in recovery. I told some things I never told to a group before.
The first day of 2010 has been fun and filled with food, love and laughter hanging with friends in recovery.
God is good to me.