Twas the Night Before my Birthday

Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again. ~Menachem Mendel Schneerson

Oh, wow!! I love that quote. I am not bashful about telling people it is going to be my birthday. I used to remain quiet hoping people would remember and than pout when they forgot. Then I had a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious) -- I forget people's birthdays too and people are not mind-readers. So if I want folks to remember I tell them. But it is special when someone remembers without being told.

I love my birthday, even though I am older, and some people don't want to think about getting older. I don't care about that; I just like having a day just for me. So I announce it. I am rewarded with blessings for doing so. Tonight I was told by someone that she was grateful I was on the planet and she invited me to lunch tomorrow--Mexican Food, Yea! Another person offered to make me a cake. It is going to be a great birthday. And I like the thought that God is still investing energy in me.

I spent a lot of time with friends today, which always does a lot to lift my spirits. I am braver about asking for help--I asked for a ride home from a guy when my car broke down.

Chopping wood and carrying water: I worked at the museum today (I do data entry into the computer in the research center of the Historical Society.) I had inherited a big mess, but today I organized it. All my paperwork has been kept in a box under a table; not only inconvenient but a tad unprofessional. Today I asked if I could have a little corner of the desk to put the notebooks and folders and fixed up a nice little place for everything.

So I will go to sleep thinking about God's energy and ask Him to show me how He is working in my life today, because I can only see it dimly...........

:o(

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another. ~James Matthew Barrie

Gosh, if that quote isn't true. I was talking with a friend and I realized that due to the stressful events of the last couple of years, I have lost my confidence and motivation. I had come up to a place where I needed to change my focus in my art, (How many irises can a person paint anyway?) and stopped because the prospect was just too daunting; I have just stopped everything, even the painting irises. Would it not have been better to just continue painting flowers than to stop altogether? At least I would have still had momentum. Just thinking about it knots up my stomach.

I also let a couple of dreams to slide by. One is that I wanted to become stronger and healthier physically. I just let that slide sometimes and it is a something that needs to be tackled on a daily basis--relentlessly. Guess what? Once you stop pedaling up hill, you start rolling backwards... or just fall over.

Philippians 4 tells us to give thanks in all circumstances. I guess I am too circumstance driven; and not only do I not want to give thanks, I tend to whine.

So I a little blue tonight. Hmmmm... Maybe I need to reread yesterday's post.

Attitude

Today was another low motivation day. I didn't sleep well and I kept dozing during devotions so I gave up and went back to bed, getting a late start puts me in the dumps; I don't like feeling like I am behind. That is only an illusion, though, as I am in charge of what I do and how I do it and I only have to answer to myself and the Higher Power. There are no rules except the ones in my head.

I did finally get to moving late in the afternoon and made up my mind I was gonna get Christmas put away and I took down the tree and packed up all the ornaments. And I printed out reference photos to draw. But that is all that I got done.

I realize I still struggle with self-acceptance. I don't like myself very much on days like today and it is probably an attitude problem. I am including something I read in the church bulletin by Charles Swindoll:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

"Attitude...is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% of how I react to it...we are in charge of our attitudes."

Be brave...

Be brave enough to live creatively. ~Alan Alda.

I was not brave today. It was a paralyzed sort of day where I sat and thought; I have been told to never go into your mind alone--it is a dangerous neighborhood; that is certainly true about my mind. However all is not lost. I washed a load of clothes, watered the plants, and made some phone calls--a doctor's appointment, and a call the clear up the conflict at the museum; the director told me she would make sure no one was using the computer on Thursdays. Tonight I went to an open Narcotics Anonymous meeting with a friend and heard a lot about faith. I also got some advice on tattoos.

The things I didn't get done on today's list will be there tomorrow. I don't foresee spiders cleaning up their cobwebs and invisible little people putting away the Christmas tree. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow is another day...

The Golden Key

"Too much self-focus fosters our feelings of loneliness, and then with desperation we look to others to fill us up. The paradox is that we heal ourselves while offering our attention to another who is, by design, on our path". Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

A friend shared the above quote with me via email, and it was interesting that Pastor's message this morning was on focus. Focus on God. I think perhaps I have been a tad too focused on Maxie and her woes.

This reminds me of Emmet Fox's Golden Key: "...you must stop thinking of the trouble, whatever it is. The rule is, to think about God. If you are thinking about your difficulty, you are not thinking about God. To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because it is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God and nothing else. Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty out of your consciousness, for a few moments at least, substituting for it the thought of God."

I am glad I still teachable.

Hey I have a birthday coming up!! You wanna guess how old I will be? Do you dare?

Not a bad Day

The hip hurts less and I was kind to it -- no strenuous work or exercise. I did do some detail cleaning in the kitchen and mopped the floor and continued working on putting away the Christmas tree.

Surprise, surprise!! While cleaning, I found $50 in a teapot. How it got there I have no idea. No comments about old-timers disease because I have a very good memory-- not perfect, but better than when I was younger, and I definitely don't forget money! I don't keep money in teapots. In my purse or the bank, maybe, but teapots are for tea, or hiding narcotics. (Those occasionally prescribed to me of course! :o) And I am on such a tight budget I can't imagine not missing $50. So I prefer to believe God left it for me. After all, a couple of months ago, I got $100 in the mail with a note that said, "My child, I love you. God." So maybe He left it in the teapot anonymously.

I finished the day off with love and hugs in the Fellowship. Then a frank talk with my roommate about something hurtful that had happened to me a long time ago. Something I rarely talk about. Not a bad day at all.

Inertia

Today I didn't accomplish a lot. Inertia seems to still have a grip on me. I did show up for my volunteer job at the museum and found a new volunteer working at the computer where I normally work. She did not relinquish it, when I told her that I worked there on Thursdays. I can see that I need to call the director, who was not there, and explain things. I told her when I took the job, since she said I could work any day I wanted, I would work on Thursdays. She said it was fine. Apparently she forgot. I need to gently remind her. Stand up for myself. Butting heads with the other volunteer would not be cool, though, and I am glad I acted like a lady.

But I hung out with friends at lunch and went to a meeting where I received and gave feedback. Laughter fun and hugs are always good. And it was good to have a visit from my son.

There are still a couple of things I need to let go. Why do I hang on so tight when what God has in mind for me is always best?