Acceptance...

...is the Key. I really need the key too. I am trying to accept where I am right at the moment-- that my heart aches and I can't define it. Self-acceptance has really been a struggle for me, but I have great hope that I will figure it out. I cannot live without hope, so I thank God I have some.

No CWCW today because I was too busy. Three medical appointments--mammogram (It was just smashing! :o) the eye doctor, and my primary MD who gave me a shot in the hip joint. God, let it take away the pain. I worked 2 hours at the museum, had lunch with friends, bought groceries and went to the pharmacy. Then tonight I went to a meeting. I am pleased that the day went smoothly and that I had good attitude. I even got a late BD present: a family of armadillos!! Well, five small ones carved out of stone from a friend who knows how much I love Texas. They will live in my cactus dish garden. I love good days.

Be careful of what you think...

Summer Gate Acrylic 24 x 24

...because your thoughts rule you life. Romans

I have become convinced that I have to redirect my thoughts which stray to scary places. Last night I was looking at my portfolio which is just poor photographs of my art in cheap albums. The presentation is kinda of sloppy, and not all the paintings are included, since I haven't updated it in a long time. So to get out of my head, I started printing pictures from the computer and searching for them on disks, to compile a new portfolio. I still have some art I have never gotten around to photographing, which is the next project, then I am going to find a nice album to put them in.

The photos in "my pictures" on the PC were a mess; I like to keep them in folders where they are easy to find, but those rascally pictures got out somehow and were all mixed up--art and family photos, making searches difficult. But after an evening of hard work they are neatly stored in folders.

This is a good thing: I will have a portfolio to show and look at; I am a little more inspired to create again; I can see what a large body of work I have done in my life--I have done some really cool art, and it changed my thoughts for a day.

Chop Wood Carry Water

There is a Zen saying, "Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water."

Well, except for a little kindling, I don't actually chop wood-- Mary Rose does it. And I don't have to carry water, except in a little bottle to drink. But I get the Zen thing. While I wait for enlightenment and direction, take care of business.

"Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success." Swami Sivananda

So I am getting better about the "small acts" of taking care of business.

Today's CWCW: I tidied up the bedroom, did some detail cleaning in the kitchen, watered dying African Violets, cleaned out all the files and cleared the desk. OK, enlightenment- I'm ready.... I think....

It is all good.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

I am brave... Tonight I walked into a meeting 45 minutes late; calling attention to myself like that is not my favorite thing to do. I promised to meet a friend there, but fell asleep; though I woke up in plenty of time, memory of the promise slipped away with the dreams. When I realized my mistake I about freaked out!! I don't forget things or people usually and it was really weird to find myself in that position. So I threw on some clothes and left without make-up or socks, and went to the meeting anyway. I knew I had to at least be there to apologize to my friend. It was all good.

I am still moving slowly, but it is pain that is slowing me down not inertia. I am coming out of the fog I think; the thing is that the fog masked uncomfortable feelings; it is easier to stay in a funk and stare off into space than to take action. It is all good.

Today I spent quite a bit of time with the Father which helped my attitude a whole lot. I set some things in order, and made moose stew, rich with veggies. It will feed me for a few days. That is definitely all good.

I will try again tomorrow.

The God Box

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley

Today I opened my God box, which I have had for about 5 years. I needed to put a very big item in and had to take the lid off. I decided to look at what I had written and as I read I separated scraps of paper in piles of "answered," "unanswered," and "in process." Two out of three of the prayer requests went into the answered pile!! How amazing is that? Only a few of them would fit in the category of totally unanswered, the others are ongoing issues.

What I read today was very revealing to me. While some entries related to tragic events or big problems, the rest showed how I engage in fear, often over inconsequential things. Today, I wonder, "why was I worried about that?"

However the God box has been an effective tool for me to let go, because I had forgotten about many of the requests. I also found I have put a lot of people in the God box. I even found a slip of paper written by my granddaughter, "I love you God and Mary."

So I wrote out all my issues and anxieties of the moment on a sheet of paper, and shredded it--so that it is just between me and God, and opened the lid to put it in the box. I also put myself in there... well, I wrote my name on a peace of paper--in clear handwriting so God will understand who I mean. I am looking forward to the answers. I love you God and Mary.

Doldrums to Dancing

I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Very little chopping wood and carrying water --I just washed some clothes and loaded the dishwasher. I was blue the early part of the day, with a minor melt down. I could be a crash from all the sugar I ate yesterday in birthday cake-- sugar is my enemy that way, or it could be because I miss someone. Lack of sleep didn't help any--sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to sleep normally on a regular basis again. But a nap helped to set things right.

Then I went to socialize in the Fellowship, getting a ride with a friend. That was fun with great food and a speaker, but afterwards a group of us went dancing at the Eagle's. That was sooo much fun!! I only danced once since my hip is still out of whack, but I enjoyed the band and the company. I got to know my friends a little better. A few times I felt sad, because I didn't have a sweetheart to dance with but gave myself a good talking to about staying in the moment. I love my friends sooo much.

Being able to move freely to dance is one of my new goals....

B Day

No chopping wood and carrying water today... I played. A group of 7 of us friends went to eat Mexican food, where the staff made me wear a sombrero and sang Happy Birthday in Spanish and English. Then we went to one of the lady's house for gifts and birthday cake. We had a wonderful time and I received lovely inspiring gifts.

Later I went to a meeting where I got more birthday wishes and cake. This is the first time I ever got two birthday cake.

I was sang to 7 times, over the phone or in person. Plus well wishes via email and Face Book. I am blessed. I will not be blue today. I will not.

I love birthdays, especially mine.