I will Praise You in This Storm...

I almost didn't post tonight. To be honest I am having a little trouble dealing with the pain. I don't know how a limp of a few weeks ago degenerated into having to walk with a cane--with a hip replacement looming in my future; how the hell did that happen? But I didn't want to write if I wasn't positive and upbeat-- look at what I wrote last night and in previous posts about positive thinking, however, I remember what I wrote at the start of this blog, that it would be real. So tonight I am real. Tomorrow is another day and I will probably have another outlook, but now I am hurt and scared.

However I can't ignore one of the basic tenets of my faith--that God is in charge. I may kick and scream against it, but He is sovereign and not only that, He insists that we give thanks in all circumstances. So I am playing over and over the song by Casting Crowns, I'll Praise You in this Storm. It always calms me. Some of the words and the video link are below:

"I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you." As Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.
I remember when I stumbled in the wind, You heard my cry to You and raised me up again; my strength is almost gone-- how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away." Mark Hall http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

Recovering a Sense of Possibility

Victorian

"One of the chief barriers to accepting God's generosity is our limited notion of what we are in fact able accomplish. We may tune in to the voice of the creator within, hear a message--and then discount it as crazy or impossible. On the one hand, we take ourselves very seriously and don't want to look like idiots pursuing some patently grandiose scheme. On the other hand, we don't take ourselves--or God--seriously enough and so we define as grandiose many schemes that with God's help, may fall well within our grasp." Julia Cameron The Artist's way

It all begins and ends with what goes on in my mind. I inherited a legacy of negativity from my family of origin and found elements of it in my marriage. It has always deeply affected how I thought, decided and processed things; it has affected my outlook, prevented me from taking risks and colored my life with considerable blackness. I have to choose--deliberately, consciously choose-- how I am going to live: Positively or negatively, which is it going to be? They both can't live in the same moment. I am getting better at this, but at some point during the day, the reality of some things in my life may overwhelm me to the point of tears. However, that is only temporary and I can at any point start my day over and choose the "sense of possibility" where light, laughter and health dwell.

CWCW: I was so blessed today. A friend came over and cleaned and mopped the kitchen and vacuumed the living room; she did thorough job. I spent the evening hanging out with my room mate while she quilted and I ironed, doing up half a basket of linens and blouses that have been there awhile. Part of setting things in order in my new life. The companionship of both friends is priceless.

Opportunities

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. ~Harry Truman

Whether I am a pessimist or an optimist is up to me, which means I have to make a choice. If I go with the negative forces then they will take me where they will; they will not take me into the light--the darkness hates the light and avoids it at all costs; I become my problems. If I choose positive thinking and affirmitive words, than I can move into the light and they can keep me from the darkness which dogs me at every step. Then when you look at me, you don't see the problems, you see Maxie.

Jesus, please...

CWCW: Today I photographed all the rest of the art-- I found paintings I forgot about because I never got around to taking a picture of them; it was almost like Christmas. I dropped two rolls of film off for processing, went to the doctor, bought groceries, typed a project for the church, cooked a huge pot of soup and took and 4 hour nap. Enough for one day.

Discoveries

Today I scanned the rest of the drawings and watercolors into the computer, and as always as I look through my collection of art by Maxie (or M Simmons or Dutch, depending on the era I created in) I am awed of my ability even in my early attempts at art, which is a gift from God of course.

I found the very first drawings I did as a young mother, done on cardboard I found in a package of hosiery--I never could resist a clean white surface. Being poor I did not have art supplies, and some of my coolest drawings were done on lined notebook paper, like the baby above. I also had absolutely no training, until I went to college at age 36. I just drew what struck my fancy such as Chief Joseph, center, which I drew in my late 20's. I didn't start painting until a neighbor bought me my first set of oil paints and I taught myself to paint from library books.

Today I discovered that I once drew free hand in pen and ink where there is no erasing--how brave I was, and the celebrities I drew are recognizable such as John McEnroe and Pope John Paul II.  I discovered that I was much better at drawing horses than cats. :o)

One precious thing I found is a picture accompanied with a poem written for it by my late sister-in-law; we were collaborating on making greeting cards, shortly before we lost her. I am going to send the picture and poem to her daughter.

I am in awe of God's gifts in my life and I am getting excited about putting this portfolio together.

CWCW: Today a friend was coming over to help me clean the living room, and this inspired me to polish and dust the furniture, make my bed, empty the dishwasher and put away the laundry. We didn't get the LR cleaned because we had such a wonderful time talking and looking at my art, but it was a wonderful afternoon just the same. I think enlightenment is right around the corner.

"I Will Dare to be Myself...

...I have the right to want what I want and to feel the way I feel. I may not choose to act on those feelings or desires, but I won't hide them from myself. They are part of me. 'This above all: to thine own self be true.' William Shakespeare" " I carried the notion into my adulthood that I must be perfect and that I was responsible for everyone. Of course I never achieved this goal of perfection, which left me feeling less than, not smart enough, not attractive enough, simply not good enough."

I found the above statements in my Al-Anon daily readers. I spent much of my life feeling less than, ugly and stupid. I also shoved down things I thought I wanted for myself thinking that they, too, were less than, ugly and stupid. I am certainly glad that God didn't let me have everything I thought I wanted, but on the other hand there was some good desires and wonderful things that I didn't reach for because I was afraid to take the risk. I have kept so many desires stowed away in the murky recesses of my personality because of that fear, and then I grieve over the loss of something that never saw the light of day.

How am I daring to be myself? By being brutally honest with myself and with God about what I desire and think and do. I know it is silly to act as if I am hiding something from God, because he He knows anyway, but by not discussing it with Him I am actually keeping these things buried. By writing this blog. This forum is perfect for me. Not only do I write it but I put it where anybody can read; that is truly rendering myself vulnerable in a huge way. So stay tuned on this topic; I suspect that getting to know myself is gonna be one of my favorite topics....

CWCW: I don't chop wood carry water on Sundays, but I spent hours working on my portfolio which doesn't seem like work to me; it seems like the enlightenment part of that Zen philosophy. It is another way I dare to be myself. I have almost all my drawings scanned into the computer for printing. I am amazed at the volume of work I have done. I used to do a complete drawing of a subject before starting the painting of it, so I have as many of each.

Pain

"Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional."

Everything hurts and I have been given to despair a little today. I think gimping around because of the hip, puts a lot of strain on the whole body. I confess that I am not acquainted with chronic pain and the idea of it continuing freaks me out. But I only have to do it today. I do better when I focus on something good and repeat positive affirmations and Scriptures out loud.

On the hand, I think I am making progress in letting go and letting God in another area of my life. Acceptance can be an incredible relief. I think if I can get rid of the pain, I might feel almost normal.

CW&CW: Not much of that today, but I tidied the kitchen, did some laundry and cleaned all the cobwebs off the ceiling of the living room. I did talk to some friends on the phone, and go to a meeting and got some good hugs.

Tears

The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley

I will not apologize for crying. I grew up under the threat, "Knock off the crying or I'll give you something to cry about," so I didn't. Crying in front of my peers got me teased and in front of my husband brought on belittlement. I learned not to cry and stuffed all the pain and anger; I went about with my mask that said I was fine and don't hurt, which means I was always lying to myself and others. My sister died in 2001; the night before the memorial service, my other sister and I watched Steel Magnolias so we could have a good cry. How sad is that?

The summer of 2008 was the worst one of my life; there were some serious family issues and I was deeply depressed. One good thing that came out of it, though, is that I learned how to cry and I can do it at the drop of the hat; I can be moved by the news, movies, music or someone else crying. I can cry in meetings, in church, alone, on the phone or driving down the road; I have even cried in Walmart. I am not talking about self pity, because I am upbeat most of the time, but I am talking about experiencing the feelings that come upon me without analyzing them or excusing them.

Another good thing is that when I am crying, I am talking to God on a level I can't quite get to when I am in a good mood, and God hears me. Psalm 56:8 says: "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." If tears are that important to God, why should I be ashamed of them?

No, I will not apologize for crying.