Post # 100 --Healing

A lot of people say they want to get out of pain, and I'm sure that's true, but they aren't willing to make healing a high priority. They aren't willing to look inside to see the source of their pain in order to deal with it.-- Lindsay Wagner

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.-- Hubert H. Humphrey

This post is number 100! I didn't think I would make it this far when I first started just after Christmas, but I have written something nearly every day. When I started, I thought the purpose of this forum was to get motivated about art and to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, but as this project progressed, I discovered what the blog really has to do with is healing. Looking back, some of the posts are bleak--sad, angry, depressed, or even morbid--some were just lyrics to sad songs to express my pain. But someone told me recently that healing is messy. And that is the truth; like healing a physical wound, emotional and spiritual healing is not very pretty, so I am going to leave those posts alone and not delete them since they are part of the process; they are me.

As Mr. Humphrey said, love and friendship have been vital to my healing. This former introvert has become a very determined friend-maker. Every single day I am out where people are and my friendship list is growing --of friends face to face and friends online. At first I met with these people just to get through the evening or the weekend, but now making friends is my new hobby and there are actually some people who have me as a friend who never really intended for that to happen ;o). I have found a whole new family. In turn, I can help others heal by offering them the same love and friendship that has been given me.

This painting is titled, Favorite, because it is my favorite sunflower picture. I like roses and grow some, but they can be persnickety and sunflowers grow tall, strong and hardy and reseed themselves every year; they always face the sun. I am a sunflower kinda girl.

Change

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unwitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails. As Bill Sees It by Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't know why we give so much conversation to the topic of change, because it is inevitable, like death and taxes. It should be par for the course. But change is something that I fight with all my might, even though it might be good. I realize now that I was hiding in my marriage and the little safe world I had built for myself there. I knew change needed to come in my life and thought I was open to it, but I realize now that my efforts at changing were quite puny. It took abruptly becoming alone to realize I wasn't prepared for change at all. I was suddenly responsible for everything and terrified of making a mistake and I had no idea what to do next--somebody died and left Maxie in charge, a pretty scary proposition. Of course I made mistakes, causing me to sink into remorse. In short, I was a wreck. I knew I couldn't return to the old life, but had no idea how to proceed into another one. Finally I gave up. After fighting Him, I surrendered to God and began to trust that, somehow, whatever I was doing, or thinking was OK for the moment, and even the mistakes I made --and will make-- are OK, because it is just part of the process. I feel like I am coming out of the tunnel into the light; even though I dart back into the shadows, I know I will make it out into that new life.

This painting is called Flamin' Flower, one of a series of sunflowers. I like this, because I used the telephoto lens to capture the reference photo which blurred the background, and I caught that in this picture. A lesson in art: To make a picture pop, use colors opposite each other on the color wheel, they vibrate against each other; red is opposite of green. This sunflower came from my garden.

My hip is better and I am getting happy thinking about working in the garden. There are so many exciting possibilities ahead of me. Please God, don't let me get depressed again.

Puttin yourself out there...

Nature decrees that we do not exceed the speed of light. All other impossibilities are optional. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com/

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.

You're on your own.

And you know what you know.

You are the guy who'll decide where to go. ~Dr. Seuss

I have never been one to promote myself. While I was growing up the children's accomplishments in our home were never recognized. The opposite was true with heavy criticism dished out at every opportunity and all creativity squashed. I am not blaming my difficulties on my parents, but I have to recognize how I got to where I am today. I remember a drawing I did as a child, and I was so happy with it, I practically begged my grandmother to put it on the wall; she kept promising to do it, but never did and I don't recall sharing any more of my pictures with her or anyone else after that. Being the center of attention and applauded for my successes made me feel uncomfortable at the rare times it did happen, but at a deep level I ached for it. I attempted to satisfy that desire with being funny--one attribute that folks didn't seem to mind and it got me the attention I craved. There was also fear at work in my life--fear of rejection. Fear of being myself--that I would somehow be found lacking.

After I started painting in earnest, I was afraid to approach the prestigious galleries to show my art. I felt that my education credits were pathetic. Until I went to a community college in my late thirties, I was self -taught --from library books; by then I had been drawing and painting for 20 years--my bio didn't read too well next to those with lofty accomplishments. I also didn't have much confidence in my ability. I did show my work, but in rinky-dink places where nobody shopped. But about 10 years ago I started showing my paintings in places around town; I sold some paintings and my confidence soared. I became quite productive. However I let circumstances of the last couple of years erode at my confidence and motivation and I am having to fight to get them back. But I am becoming quite the dragon slayer now. Maybe that will be my new moniker--Phoenix the Dragon Slayer--she is rising from her ashes with an attitude.

Damn those voices that say I should be shy and retiring. In order to be a success, I have to sell myself--just like the grocer advertises and sells his canned green beans. In a sudden fit of boldness, I created an art page in my Face Book account and already have sold two paintings. Yea!! Watch out everyone, Maxie is on her way.

This painting is Blue Iris. I renamed it The Dance like it because it seems to be moving--maybe moving towards great accomplishments, or at least towards the sun.

Terminally Unique

I really can't deny it, I am who I am. I'm pretty normal. I'm not that smooth type of girl. I run into things, I spill food, I say stupid things... I really don't have it all together. Katie Holmes

     AA members have coined the phrase, "terminally unique," which defines a person who thinks her problems are not like any one else's. In other words, "Nobody Knows the Troubles I've Seen." This is dangerous thinking. If I believe I am unique, and don't believe anyone else understands, then I am not apt to do anything to help myself, while remaining in the dark comfort of self-pity. I am learning that, while I feel crazy most of the time and my thoughts don't seem normal, my reactions are normal for losing a loved one and the other trials that I have been walking through. I know I am a unique child of God, but the Bible tells me that my troubles are "common to man." And I need to give myself a break.

     This painting is Blue Chicken. The original drawing has a pair of salt and pepper shakers in it, but I used the same pair in another painting and learned by that experience to never put two identical objects in a painting, because it is impossible to paint them to look alike. So I added an apple which I got out of the fridge and set on the drawing table for reference--this worked until someone ate the apple. I also added some flowers that I like very much, giving the bouquet an airy feel. I read somewhere that a painting of a bouquet should appear as if a bumble bee can fly through them. I think the bumble bee will like the pink flowers. In critiquing this painting I realize should have included some blue flowers to balance the blue in the chicken dish. When I started painting in earnest about 10 years ago, I used to do a complete drawing to get a feel of the subject and check the composition, before starting a painting; then I would have 2 works of art. It is a practice I want to resume.

     Chop Wood Carry Water: I have been getting some cleaning done, and working at the drawing table. I have done the budget, started paying bills, and cleared the desk. I organized paintings to price as a friend is interested in the irises. I exercised, ate right, showered and brushed my teeth :o). I even remembered to feed the dog.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

     Self-Fulfilling prophecy: a false definition of a situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. Robert Milton
     Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns! ~Allison Gappa Bottke
Friday evening a friend shared in a group the above thought about self-fulfilling prophecy, and I knew immediately that he was speaking the truth. I have seen it played out over and over in lives of those around me. I know there is power in words, and we can talk ourselves into having a bad day or bad month or even into being sick. I shudder at remarks that I hear like, "this ice cream is going straight to my hips," or "my shoulder is killing me." However, I have to rigorously look at what prophecies I have been speaking over my own life. There have been many--some I have carried since childhood and others that have come up through recent trials. If you read far enough back in this blog you will find negative posts. Grief is a seductive thing, tempting one into making grief her identity and coloring every aspect of her life. This sets the girl on the path to hell. I must be very careful with my words. I do not want what I have been thinking lately, to come true.
This painting is Peaches and Hollyhocks. I painted it in my still-life phase and it took me a long time to finish and by then I couldn't stand to look at it so I put away. One day I got it out and decided I liked it and entered it in the fair, where it won a rosette. While I struggled with some of the flowers, I love the textures: the fuzzy peaches, smooth teapot and as always the vase with water. That is what draws me into still lifes-- reflective and transparent surfaces. How do I paint a vase of water? The only way that makes sense to me. It looks complicated with the light bouncing around inside of the vase and reflected on the outside, but it simple really. I paint the background first then backside of the vase and then the stems, remembering the distortion caused by the water on all these things. Then I paint the front. Simple. Vases never give me any trouble--it usually the flowers.


Some one asked me what CWCW means in my posts. It is based on a Zen saying: "Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water." This means to take care of business, instead of waiting for a blinding flash to come to me, or warm fuzzies, or motivation to get things done-- just do it. I had somewhat of an enlightening moment when I realized that I have been way too worried about being alone. I am alone now; but, except for God and friends who are vital to me, all I have is me, my home, and my art and I have not been taking care of any of those. Sometimes I even forget to feed the dog, and an African violet suffered an agonizing death under my care. Gotta pay more attention to CWCW.

Be Yourself--Again

Miners Row Oil 9 x 12

If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. ~Johann von Goethe
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I found a very wide spectrum of sayings on being yourself, and it tickles me to include quotes by Goethe and Dr. Seuss in the same post. They both speak the truth to me. As for Maxie being herself, it comes from knowing herself and that is a work in progress. I know this is a topic I have addressed before, but it is one I will probably visit again and again.
There is a story behind this painting, which is titled Miner's Row. Many years ago I visited a ghost town in New Mexico by the name of Madrid. It was once a thriving coal mining town, but the mine closed in the 1950's. When I was there all the buildings and the company houses were abandoned and falling to ruin. Something about the neglected houses touched me and I took pictures of them. Not too long after we were there, artists bought up the town and the old houses, restoring them. Madrid is now a thriving artist community and tourist stop. 

From the photos I took, I created this picture imagining what the homes might have looked like in their prime. I gave the painting away for a wedding present, but a couple of years ago a friend told me that she had found it in a second hand store, and she is now the owner. Painting snow is a struggle, but I am pleased with the sky and lighted windows.

Gifts

Blue Oil 11 x 14

Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all. ~William Temple
Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes
We have to render ourselves vulnerable... Dan S.
Alright, Mr. Temple, you are right. I have been thinking about myself way too much, at least in an unhealthy manner. And Mr. Forbes, it is true, I have been focusing on what I lack rather than what gifts I do possess. I still strive for balance in these matters but I feel pretty darned good tonight, because, as my friend Dan S. says, I rendered myself vulnerable to a group of friends... and they responded with love. I shouldn't have been surprised. My friends are one of the most precious gifts in my life.
This painting is called Gift, or Blue, I have it in my files under both names. Maybe I'll call it Blue Gift. I love the way that irises have the ability to capture the early morning sun, making them glow like they have little candles inside. Of course I have to get up early to catch that effect; being an night owl means I have to stumble out of bed, grab the camera and start shooting before I even have coffee. But the results are worth it.