Finding Myself

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz  
Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault

In my Face Book profile, I wrote--"I am reinventing myself so stay tuned..." I am hard pressed to describe myself these days and the truth is that I am in the process of becoming something different. Not because I want to-- I thought I was doing OK the way I was--but because circumstances forced it on me. Damn, I hate change. I have discovered when a person's life is rudely interrupted or if a war rages, it is impossible to go back to the way she was--it is like someone burned the bridge--and she has to climb on her horse and charge through the dragons to get to a new place. Who knows, maybe I will be the princess this time, but whatever, my prayer is that I will be strong, brave and true, able to look my foes in the eyes, yet be soft enough to know another's pain.
This painting is Sunflowers in a Blue Vase. Still-lifes are a challenge for me because there is more than one element I have to do well in a picture and yet make it all pull together. It was the fabric I struggled with in this painting. I Love the vase, though, and I am happy with the flowers. I am pleased with the background too. Sometimes there are just too many rules about art --one is about the colors. As students we are taught to have a limited pallet and to just to mix the colors. I don't like to mix colors, I like them straight out of the tube. I read in a book that to paint sunflowers, rather than using one yellow to mix lighter and darker, it is better to have a number of different tubes of yellow. I have found this works for me. For a lighter yellow, I don't mix white in, I just use a tube of lighter paint. Using the different hues of yellow, makes the flowers glow. I use this principle in the blues, reds and greens too. It has taken a long time to build up the supply, but I have lots of oil paint and do very little mixing. I grew the flowers and found the vase at a yard sale.

Trust God, Clean House and Help Others.

Sunflowers in a Blue Vase Oil 11 x 14

I heard the title to this post in a meeting tonight and it has power in its simplicity, if I could just do it; it puts everything that is troubling me into perspective.

Trust God. I heard it said, "don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is;" being focused on my pain, fear and doubt is not focusing on the Higher Power, limiting my expectations of Him. I put Him in a box. How do I trust God? Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually. Eileen Caddy

Clean House. This tells me to clear out the rubble in my life that is blocking my path to peace and enlightenment, and preventing me from trusting God and helping others. If I am busy cleaning house then I don't have time and energy to let my thoughts scramble like squirrels in a cage. I actually feel better when I clear out a pesky thought or attitude.

Help others. This is self explanatory. When I am helping others I am not focused on my own problems. There are those who are in greater need than I, and there are those who are still lost in their own pain and addictions. There are those who need a hug or a smile or a shoulder or a word of encouragement. It does not require a lot to help others.

CWCW: Today I kept the clutter picked up and tidied the kitchen. The pictures of my art came back and I am now ready to put together portfolio. Most important, I spent time seeking God, doing a little internal house cleaning and listening to some people who needed to talk.