I am not alright

If weakness is a wound

That no one wants to speak of,

Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall.

I am not immune;

I only want to be loved

But I feel safe behind the firewall.

Can I lose my need to impress?

If you want the truth,

I need to confess

I’m not alright

I’m broken inside, broken inside

And all I go through

It leads me to you, Lord, it leads me to you.

Sanctus Real

Focus! Focus! Focus!

It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny. Anthony Robbins

My focus has been fractured. I was so out of it, I didn't get anything for Grandson's 17th birthday. So the following evening I went to Walmart and bought a gift intending to drop it off at his house on my way home, but didn't remember to do so until I pulled into my own driveway and started to get out of the car, and had to backtrack. I forgot to buy a couple of items when I was at the store and when I went back this morning, I discovered that I had left my cane--that once was my grandfather's--in the shopping cart last night. Today, I walked away from a meeting leaving a travel mug and my glasses behind. What's worse, is I forgot to close the window; I hope someone else did, but I was responsible for it. I can't get back into the building until tomorrow. Fortunately, I retrieved the cane and I hope I can do the same with the glasses and that I won't get into too much trouble for the window. The point is that this is not normal behavior for me and it is because I am letting my mind run wild. Focus. God help me, because I am headed for trouble.

CWCW: I went to Bible Study and a meeting in the Fellowship. I put together nine pages of the portfolio and spent some time getting to know an acquaintance who is becoming a friend.

Serenity

Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm.

I remember when I was a kid, I got up early one Easter morning and looked out the window into the woods right behind the house. The sun was just coming up, the birds were singing and I felt like I was the only one in the world awake. The scene in the woods touched me so deeply it made my heart ache. I have never forgotten it. Maybe it was an early spiritual awakening or maybe it was a moment of human longing for the Eden that was lost. This picture titled, "Serenity" reminds me of that morning, though it is a puny effort to reproduce it.

Keeping it real

Crystal Falls oil 16 x 20

Today the only thing positive about this post is the painting... and the fact that I am posting. All the sanity of the weekend fled and I have been a basket case all day. I can't account for the emotions; all I can say is that they are what they are. I scheduled hip surgery which kinda freaks me out, but I was crying before that and on the way home. I went to a meeting and had to make myself stop crying before I left so I could put on make-up. I managed to keep it in tact during the meeting even though the topic was "the wreckage of our past." Geez, just what I needed to hear. But I cried it off on the way home. Nothing like a good bawl to remove mascara; saves on cold cream. Nuff said about this day, or I'm gonna be swearing.

Fight for it!

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." Mahatma Gandhi
I took two semesters of Sculpture in college, from the same man who taught a drawing class where I learned a great deal about drawing. He taught realism in drawing, but in sculpture he insisted we develop abstract designs. I have trouble seeing in the abstract, my art style is realism. I can enjoy other people's abstract art, but it is a stretch to do it myself. I know his theory was that abstract takes the subject to its basic design elements; he also hated to see a student attempt a realistic design and fail.

Failed attempts at realism did not make good abstract. The first sculpture I did was abstract and I struggled with it and have never been happy with the results though my professor liked it. In the second semester when we were working up the designs, another student confided in me that to get the design I wanted I had to fight for it; that this teacher would respect my belief in my own design. I have a history of timidity, and avoiding conflict, but I got some gumption in my backbone and insisted on sculpting the design I worked up--politely, of course. :o) He let me do it. As I worked, the sculpture came out even more realistic than my design and it was totally from my imagination. It is one of the most exciting things I ever produced. My professor confessed that he didn't expect it to turn out so well. Even when he let me have my way, he didn't have any faith in it. Somehow I did.

Over the years, I have forgotten that lesson, but I want to remember it today. I have a tendency to let things slide, and go: "Oh well, that is the way it is." While acceptance is a very important principle in my life, as is letting go and letting God, I tend to accept some circumstances that I could change if were I willing to fight for them. God, show me where I need to fight.

Emotional Sobriety

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Albert Einstein

Joy Cometh Watercolor

I confess that I decided how things were going to be. Since the last couple of years have been horribly hard with one drama after another, I figured that it was time for a break from challenges. After all, I have had those times in my life when things were smooth and peaceful, wasn't I entitled to that now? "Is it not time?" I thought. Then BAM! The hip went out. I was angry and stormed against this new intrusion in my life with tears and clenched fists. This is NOT what I had on the agenda for 2010! But then, I was the one who wrote the agenda; apparently God had other ideas. While I have no trouble remaining sober in regards to drugs and alcohol, my mind and emotions are another story. I have been stark raving nuts--for some time now, and it has been overwhelming.

Today, though, was a good day. This morning I told God I was at my wits end and asked Him to control the Wild Child, my mind, and for the first time in a long time, I feel emotionally sober. I was relaxed and calm and enjoyed the company of people who are dear to me, while making a couple of new friends. Then I went to a meeting in the Fellowship. This healing is not because of freedom from difficulties, but it came in the middle of them. I love you, Jesus.

Ignorance in Art

Look and you will find it--what is unsought will go undetected. Sophocles. Wow! That is a blinding flash of the obvious!

I remember the early days of creating, I was intimidated by other artists, by galleries and art shows. The featured artist's bio always had a list of his or her degrees in art in what schools, and I didn't think that I could show my work, and say that I learned to paint and draw from library books; somehow I was ashamed to say I was self-taught. These artists actually had studios and I sometimes had to paint at the kitchen table. When I did go to college at age 37, the painting classes left a lot to be desired --the teacher drank on the job--so today what I know about painting comes from my self-taught era and I still learn that way today. When I started drawing as a young mother, I didn't know I needed an education to create, so in my ignorance made some really good art!! ;o) Even on notebook paper.


CWCW: I have the portfolio ready to assemble. I have the art records updated and I will print them out and use them as an index. I have so many photos I have to use a larger album than I planned. I have a record of 2 sculptures, 105 paintings and 110 drawings (a lot of the earlier art was never photographed or recorded). Of course because of sales, gifts and loaning works of art to irresponsible people, I don't own all the pieces, but I do have a photo record of most of it. This is inspiring me so that I am beginning to plan what I want to do when I finally do sit down to the drawing table. That was the plan. :o)