Sunday, April 11, 2010


All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unwitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails. As Bill Sees It by Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't know why we give so much conversation to the topic of change, because it is inevitable, like death and taxes. It should be par for the course. But change is something that I fight with all my might, even though it might be good. I realize now that I was hiding in my marriage and the little safe world I had built for myself there. I knew change needed to come in my life and thought I was open to it, but I realize now that my efforts at changing were quite puny. It took abruptly becoming alone to realize I wasn't prepared for change at all. I was suddenly responsible for everything and terrified of making a mistake and I had no idea what to do next--somebody died and left Maxie in charge, a pretty scary proposition. Of course I made mistakes, causing me to sink into remorse. In short, I was a wreck. I knew I couldn't return to the old life, but had no idea how to proceed into another one. Finally I gave up. After fighting Him, I surrendered to God and began to trust that, somehow, whatever I was doing, or thinking was OK for the moment, and even the mistakes I made --and will make-- are OK, because it is just part of the process. I feel like I am coming out of the tunnel into the light; even though I dart back into the shadows, I know I will make it out into that new life.

This painting is called Flamin' Flower, one of a series of sunflowers. I like this, because I used the telephoto lens to capture the reference photo which blurred the background, and I caught that in this picture. A lesson in art: To make a picture pop, use colors opposite each other on the color wheel, they vibrate against each other; red is opposite of green. This sunflower came from my garden.

My hip is better and I am getting happy thinking about working in the garden. There are so many exciting possibilities ahead of me. Please God, don't let me get depressed again.

1 comment:

  1. I just found you from Robert Brault's blog, and I like both your work and your honesty.

    I will be back.