Monday, January 25, 2010

"I Will Dare to be Myself...

...I have the right to want what I want and to feel the way I feel. I may not choose to act on those feelings or desires, but I won't hide them from myself. They are part of me. 'This above all: to thine own self be true.' William Shakespeare" " I carried the notion into my adulthood that I must be perfect and that I was responsible for everyone. Of course I never achieved this goal of perfection, which left me feeling less than, not smart enough, not attractive enough, simply not good enough."

I found the above statements in my Al-Anon daily readers. I spent much of my life feeling less than, ugly and stupid. I also shoved down things I thought I wanted for myself thinking that they, too, were less than, ugly and stupid. I am certainly glad that God didn't let me have everything I thought I wanted, but on the other hand there was some good desires and wonderful things that I didn't reach for because I was afraid to take the risk. I have kept so many desires stowed away in the murky recesses of my personality because of that fear, and then I grieve over the loss of something that never saw the light of day.

How am I daring to be myself? By being brutally honest with myself and with God about what I desire and think and do. I know it is silly to act as if I am hiding something from God, because he He knows anyway, but by not discussing it with Him I am actually keeping these things buried. By writing this blog. This forum is perfect for me. Not only do I write it but I put it where anybody can read; that is truly rendering myself vulnerable in a huge way. So stay tuned on this topic; I suspect that getting to know myself is gonna be one of my favorite topics....

CWCW: I don't chop wood carry water on Sundays, but I spent hours working on my portfolio which doesn't seem like work to me; it seems like the enlightenment part of that Zen philosophy. It is another way I dare to be myself. I have almost all my drawings scanned into the computer for printing. I am amazed at the volume of work I have done. I used to do a complete drawing of a subject before starting the painting of it, so I have as many of each.

1 comment:

  1. Maxie-- Thank you so much for sharing your journey. You write beautifully, as you paint. Your posts help me to look at ways that I can dare to be myself, too.