Friday, January 22, 2010
The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley
I will not apologize for crying. I grew up under the threat, "Knock off the crying or I'll give you something to cry about," so I didn't. Crying in front of my peers got me teased and in front of my husband brought on belittlement. I learned not to cry and stuffed all the pain and anger; I went about with my mask that said I was fine and don't hurt, which means I was always lying to myself and others. My sister died in 2001; the night before the memorial service, my other sister and I watched Steel Magnolias so we could have a good cry. How sad is that?
The summer of 2008 was the worst one of my life; there were some serious family issues and I was deeply depressed. One good thing that came out of it, though, is that I learned how to cry and I can do it at the drop of the hat; I can be moved by the news, movies, music or someone else crying. I can cry in meetings, in church, alone, on the phone or driving down the road; I have even cried in Walmart. I am not talking about self pity, because I am upbeat most of the time, but I am talking about experiencing the feelings that come upon me without analyzing them or excusing them.
Another good thing is that when I am crying, I am talking to God on a level I can't quite get to when I am in a good mood, and God hears me. Psalm 56:8 says: "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." If tears are that important to God, why should I be ashamed of them?
No, I will not apologize for crying.